Love and Life at 22: Dolly Alderton's Everything I Know About Love

Love is often seen as a fundamental part of life. We see it in advertisements, books, movies, and even with the overly PDA couples on the MTR. Mainstream culture tends to frame love as something to be earned, an elusive prize that means we have achieved what everybody is yearning for. Yet it often feels like a puzzle, with many of us struggling to find the right pieces.

At first glance, Everything I Know About Love might seem like just another awkward guidebook, filled with tales of failed dates and romance tips. However, to me, the book is a brilliant collection of anecdotes that captures the experience of being a young woman navigating early adulthood and all its complexities.

Alderton reminds us that romance isn’t the only kind of love worth celebrating and that it's often our friends who pull us back from the edge when life feels overwhelming. She communicates this through documenting twenty-eight years worth of food and alcohol, loneliness, feminism, and loss.

Each chapter is titled 'Everything I Know About Love at …', with the age changing throughout the years, allowing readers to witness the experiences that shape her mindset, making her stories grounded in real-life happenings. The structure has definitely prompted me to reflect on my own growth over the years regarding the various topics she explores, reminding me that it’s perfectly okay not to have everything figured out yet.

Alderton reflects on the men she has encountered at various points in her life, ranging from brief flings to more significant relationships.  While there is no shortage of discussions about romantic connections, the men mentioned often play only a minor role. We roll through a cycle of Sam's, Charlie's or Graysen's, all of which give her a chance to learn something new about herself in a different way. The only constant remains the names of her female friends, most notably her enduring friendship with Farly. It is the women in Alderton’s life with whom she forges enduring, healthy bonds; they are the ones she loves with the greatest intensity and certainty.

Even if romantic love isn't present, we still experience a deep love through our friendships, family, and even with the places we cherish.

I've come to realize recently that, despite never having experienced love in the traditional sense, I have encountered countless forms of love throughout my life. I'm still friends with those who witnessed my awkward One Direction phase and powered through the deadly GCSEs and A-levels alongside me. Even after university and my move to Hong Kong, where I was fortunate to meet even more amazing people, I still feel like my life wouldn't be the same without them.

At university, my new friends and I shared countless moments - crying together, laughing until our sides hurt, and taking turns holding each other’s hair back over the toilet at 3 a.m. It’s these small, silly moments that I think about the most when I reflect on my time there, and I miss everyone now that they’re scattered across the UK, each moving on with their lives but still holding a piece of those memories.

I feel like this sense of connection has become even more important since COVID. The pandemic forced us to navigate our friendships online, which often felt like a pale imitation of the real thing. During this time, my sister became a lifeline of some sort. Others might argue that she doesn’t count as a friend as she is family, but I believe it’s a relationship defined by our complete lack of judgment toward each other. Despite our past squabbles, like that time we went to war over who owned a perfume bottle (it was mine by the way), and in the chaos of battle, I accidentally smashed it into her head (I promise I’m over it) - we continue to find an unspoken comfort within each other.

This sense of connection isn't limited to women; it can be found in friendships across the board. Sometimes, there’s an unspoken comfort in sharing experiences with others who are going through similar challenges. This was especially true for the friends I have made in Hong Kong, who were kind enough to welcome me into their lives whilst figuring out their own futures. In their own ways, they’ve been there for me when I needed it most, making the distance from home feel a little less lonely.

Dolly's writing to her friends is wholly romantic, filled with small, cherished details that paint a complete picture of her appreciation for them. “Without the love of Farly, I am just a heap of frayed and half-finished thoughts; of blood and muscle and skin and bone and unachievable dreams and a stack of shit teenage poetry under my bed.” Her words evoke the essence of love letters from the war, illustrating how essential human connection truly is. We seek and find these connections in unexpected places, often without realizing just how vital they are to our existence. While there’s no hint of romantic or sexual attraction in her friendships, Alderton expresses these connections with a fierce intensity.

Whether you think you have a good grasp on love or feel completely in the dark, I truly think this book is worth reading. Everything I Know About Love explores the universal yet deeply personal nature of love and reminds us that love can look and feel different for everybody. While my life may differ significantly from Alderton's, especially in terms of the romantic love she often contrasts with her friendships, I found myself truly appreciating the rich variety of love she captures.

This book is for anyone who feels love, even if you don't quite know it yet.